It's ok to not like yourself sometimes - or why I'm not blogging a lot

Most of you regular readers might have noticed that I'm not blogging a lot lately. This has two reasons and I want to share them with you.

Number One: New Job!

The obvious first reason is a pretty happy one: I started working my dream job in October!

work-selfie.jpg
Work Selfie

This means I'm super stoked that I get to go to work every day, spend it with nice people and doing something I love PLUS get paid for that. I am very lucky to be able to do that!
It also means that I travel a lot since I have a 2hr commute to work. Yes. 2hrs every way. I can do a lot on the train, but since I don't own a tiny portable netbook - I can't blog or write on the way.

Number Two: Boobs can be stupid.

The second reason is a bit more complicated. (just so you know, body image stuff and eating disorder stuff will be discussed that isn't entirely positive)

Let's start with the fact that I found my passion for practicing pole dancing about a year ago - and steadily I'm improving. I'm of course still a beginner and I don't train frantically, but still apparently it's enough that my body changes its shape. I was always smallbusted, but now I lost a lot of breast fat, got a bit wider back and my breast shape changed. Drastically.

This means that more than 3/4 of my bras don't fit anymore. I need wider bands than I used to (I was usually wearing 30 or even 28 bands) - I now choose 32 bands or 34 bands depending on brand. I lost about one cup size, but my breast root is still the same - I need the volume of a 32B cup but the width of a 30D-DD cup - which is very much not existent.

So, to sum up: My beloved, somewhat expensive bra collection doesn't fit anymore. I can't really buy new bras because I feel there are no bras that fit as well as my old ones fit.
And I hate the fact that I lost the little boobs I had left.
I wear my pretty lingerie and see that it doesn't fit and it makes me feel awful. My ribs are more prominent than my boobs now, I see more flaws in my not-entirely-flat stomach and fear I'm gaining too much weight again and I am really not happy about that. These eating disorders are really no fun, huh?

I came a long way from hating my body to accepting me - but this is making things harder for me again.
And it doesn't put me in a place where I wanna blog every other day.

But I try to remember one thing:

  • It is ok to not like yourself sometimes.
  • It is ok to be unhappy about some things.
  • I will try to work on these things and somehow it will turn out for the better: Find new stuff I like about myself. Take a shitload of selfies to see I'm not that bad even if I don't have my "big" boobs anymore.
  • I WILL fight back.

And for the time being I guess I'll just have to wear bralettes or no bra at all.

xoxo denocte

Bruno Banani
Bruno Banani Set aka "gender is a social construct"

Comments

*hug* Congrats on the job (I am sure I said that before) and I totally agree that it is okay not to like yourself sometimes. Sometimes it feels really good to give yourself persion to just "be" without any pretenses. You are a fabulous person - never forget that!

I always liked smaller, less prominent boobs more than those I carried around quite some time of my life. I would even wear sports bras to flatten them, to be able to close shirt buttons (still don't like shirts buttoned up and down all the way, are you wondering?).
I always wished for a day where I could wear lacy or non-lacy triangle bras with no wire at all. They have this ultra-feminine, more-isn't-possible-relaxed vibe, this perfect polished neglection (especially paired with a wiiide, grey, oversized tank top with huuuuge Armausschnitte... And biker jeans, or skater skirts, each of them paired with biker boots. That is the absolute essence of perfection for me: it's sexy, lacy, hard-edge, cheeky, makes my eyes and my mind wander and wonder. I love everything androgynous, and I love femininity. For me, you hit that nail on the head (is there a saying like this in english?): that oh-so-androgynous chest, which is the real sexy for me, and that oh-so-wonderfully-feminine hips balancing everything out the best way. It's the world's best juxtaposition, the best mixture of all, and the best shape I can think of (not only dressed in lacy somethings beneath and these tanktops... and that all that gorgeous movement of skirts when you have hips! Mine always seem to be stiffened because threre are no hips to move them...)

So much thoughts about a body, bearing a wonderful and admirable mind. I adore your strength in every apect of YOU.

Oh, I totally feel for you. Not that it's hard enough finding bras for small boobs, it gets even harder when you have a strong ribcage (which gets even worse when doing sports). But I always feel happy when I go climbing, so it balances a little with the feeling of not having a feminine figure (which also is only my personal exaggeration). I feel good for being fit, not having back pain anymore and being strong enough to carry my own stuff. But I still want to slap every shop assistant in the face who tells me that I for sure don't have a 34 band with A Cup. Yes I do. That's ok. Even if I don't manage to get rid of my old nice bras that I have last worn 3 years ago.

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